So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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