I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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