So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
