Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
