just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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