I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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