I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
