Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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