So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
