smell my finger.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
