You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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