The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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