he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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