You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Are we still banned from the library?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
