just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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