For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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