my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
