you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
