she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
