I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
