I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
