People with herpes should wear stickers.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
