it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
