I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
