also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
