It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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