just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
