I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
