Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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