Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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