you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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