i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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