the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
