p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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