My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
