Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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