Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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