Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
