theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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