i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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