I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
