im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
