I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
