I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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