Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
