I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
