need another drink. this is the easiest way
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
