Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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