I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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