sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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