You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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