Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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