Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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